Home-less-ness

Plenty are at perfect peace with their past. That is a private residence.
They always say they wouldn't want it any other way.
After all, it made them who they are today, and I guess tomorrow too.
Some of these people play the lottery, they have hope.
Of course, I am jumping too far ahead,
off a cliffhanger
I will backtrack seven paces-
_The gamble of being born, a sense of place you were told
Welcome and Home,
Home means Safe
You are always Welcome Here.

They say you can't win the jackpot unless you play the lottery.
They should say there is a winner and many losers, don't let chance decide.

My home felt bigger than the Heidegger house in which I dwelt.
My house felt like someone else's I was sitting in for safe keeping.
I never liked playing house.
__I was 11 when I became a woman, an elementary vixen, periodically out of my element.
___I was 12 when I received my first catcall. It was Spanglish which I didn't comprehend but felt the words like acupuncture beneath my summer clothes. I can still see his cigar brown skin thirsty for my foreign skin.
But I was safe.

We had a group home come to my little town.
____I was 13 when I was robbed of my first kiss, my girlfriends new boyfriend new how to speak in drooling tongues, his black eyes describing his wants.
But I was safe.
_____At 14 my green eyed boyfriend tried to kill me.
______At 16 a wizard tried to take me to Never Land forever,
I returned home despite his plans.
_______At 18 a professor told me all females fail his science class, he failed me,
I left home forever.

I took a gamble (I paid with free will)
I wait for my number to be called.

I wrote a poem as a little girl about suicide, it was loved.
As a woman I write poems about life, they are hated.

Now I am at Home wondering how I got
(out of)
Here
looking around, I fear nothing
is mine, like this borrowed time that cannot be returned.
I am Spent,
I am no longer safe.




Image titled 'The Way Home', By Cecile Walton, illustrator (http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/36668) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons.